some emails and notes re: male sexual performance anxiety it's the pits   what's the fix   hypnosis tapes and CDs that can help sexual performance anxiety emails Performance anxiety is a term used to refer to self-consciousness and anxiousness about the quality of one's performance that actually decreases the quality of one's performance. Sexual performance anxiety is a form of performance anxiety. It's the pits when it hits   Anxiety about sexual performance is an awful pit to slip into -- and one that is, unfortunately, very common and politically correct in that it can happen to anyone, any gender, any age, any personality type, any IQ. It messes with one's sense of self esteem and self worth and can spread into other areas of performance, causing general and wide spread problems with confidence. Sexual performance anxiety can be caused by even a very brief simple event -- even in very stable, emotionally healthy individuals. The whole dilema is much like being in a very slippery-sided pit -- the speedier and more frantic you are, the slipperier you make your problem -- the calmer and slower you move in escaping, the more likely you are to escape. A good thing gone bad.   Anxiety is intended by Nature to be a system for warning us of dangers and threats. A twig snaps behind you and your mind goes into anxiousness mode -- your brain becomes hyper-alert for danger. Your hearing and vision become acute, your muscles prep for running or battle, your digestive tract and the complex thought parts of the brain shut down to standby mode. That's a good thing if a lion is about to attack. Unfortunately, because we are complex critters that do a lot of complex thinking, sometimes we can get anxious about something very complex (e.g., sexual failure and the social consequence of sexual failure in our sex-obsessed society) that is actually more likely to become a problem if our primative warning signals alert us that it might be a problem. This is a self-fullfilling fear. So a guy whose brain warns him that it might be a problem if he can't get erect, can't get erect because of the warning. Often performance anxiety comes with another problem   Often it is another problem altogether that causes a difficulty in sexually performing which then in turn causes anxiousness about whether there will be further difficulties in sexual performance. The initial problem can subsequently be invisible and not even noticed -- and can invisibly support the anxiousness without ever being recognized. For example, if a guy starts on a blood pressure medication that caused problems maintaining an erection and then goes out on a date with a very close girlfriend and the date progresses to the first opportunity for intercourse and there is a lack of erection which he interprets as a catastrophic crash of his sexual system -- he may then find himself having repeated difficulties which seem very much related to anxiousness about performance. In such a case, working on the anxiousness will not fix things -- even though the performance anxiety is very real -- because the problem began with and continues to be coincidentally caused by a medication side effect. Just a simple double-binding, paradoxical, self-perpetuating, self-fullfilling fear -type problem with roots in thought processes in the unconscious.   This is basically the problem in all the kinds of performance anxiety -- anxiousness about performing optimally causes an increased self consciousness and a reduction in performance quality, and when the individual recognizes the reduction in performance quality, this in turn causes an increased anxiousness and self-consciousness that reduces performance quality even further. And round and round and round it goes, reinforcing itself. Once anxiousness and negative self talk -- and self-fullfilling prophesies get into play, the fix is to have a reasonably good experience or two so you can realize that sometimes anxiousness gets in the way and that is no big deal -- especially in the context of a good relationship. This is usually a matter of a) making sure that you are engaging in sexual relations in the context of a good relationship with a sex partner who is loving and supportive, b) giving yourself permission to be human and c) letting go of fears and then letting your body and mind do what comes naturally. So how do you stop automatic mental mechanisms from their appointed rounds?   The problem here with performance anxiety in general and sexual performance anxiety in specific is that we're speaking of better controls over mental mechanisms that work appropriately for us most of the time. Sometimes it's hard to shut them off even when engaging in the most positive, logical thinking. It's sometimes tough to moderate them because we're dealing with automatic mechanisms that are usually not under one's conscious control. The issue is convincing yourself deep down that it's okay not to be actively concerned. Sometimes this is easy and sometimes hard. Hypnosis is often utilized   when logic and reassurance aren't sufficient to get those inner thought processes convinced because hypnosis is designed to speak to those inner, more primative areas of thinking. what's the fix?  ~  attitude and strategy Dealing with sexual performance anxiety takes planning, altering how you think and strategy, strategy, strategy.   Rule out physical disease, medication side effects, alcohol effects, the effects of stressor distractions, ill health or lack of sleep.   Consider medication options (e.g., Viagra, etc.) and possibly discuss with physician.   Optimize dietary and beverage choice strategies to avoid overeating or alcohol consumption. Both -- especially alcohol -- are known to interfere with achieving and sustaining erections and optimally engaging in phyisical activity. Alcohol can also dull the mind in general, thus dulling your ability to tune in to your partner.   Optimize exercise and sleep stragegies. Too little exercise is probably worse than too much. Too little sleep is probably worse than too much. Regular exercise and good sleep schedules keep the body functions functioning optimally.   Optimize your attitudes about sexual performance. Decide that it is not essential to be a James Bond -type cocksman, able to turn the bad girls good with your super penis performance abilities. It's not. It might be fun but it might also be a very lonely life limited to engaging with others on the basis of how you relate with your penis. It is simply stupid to give in to the primative urge that the entertainment industry promotes as such a good deal. James Bond studsmanship is the underlying cause of enormous numbers of men deeply wounding enormous numbers of women. If your body won't let you perform like a trained seal -- if you have to be sensitive, loving, in love, partnering and mentally and emotionally connected to your lover in order to "perform" -- you are much less at risk for dying a lonely, angry old asshole.   Beware of self-fulfilling prophesy aspects of perspectives on life. Deciding to look at lack of erection as a normal occasional experience for most males will reduce problems. Deciding a lack of erection is equivalent to a loss of manhood is both untruthful and self-sabotaging. Telling yourself that difficulties in achieving erections is a disaster that may continue or worsen will cause the situation to become a disaster that may continue or worsen.   Optimize your attitudes about sexual performance anxiety. Seeing anxiousness as better than its opposite -- insensitivity, is helpful. A huge part of the hurt done via sexual assault is done by insensitive males, many of whom don't even realize they are assaulting and raping as they do it. Anxiousness seems very painful but if it forces a man to be very attentive to how he is affecting his partner during sex, it is at least partially a very, very good thing.   Optimize your partner choice if necessary. If you are experiencing sexual performance anxiety because you are trying to be a cocksman because you are in a relationship with a cocksman-seeking partner who is interested primarily in your ability to be a hard pounding, long pounding cocksman, perhaps you will need to face the fact that you may not be one of those people and your partner is not the right partner for you.   Optimize your "spin" to yourself and your partner. How we label and interpret things gives them much of their reality. Saying to your partner or yourself, "My partner is too sexy," is WAY better than my partner doesn't make me hot. Deciding to blame performance difficulties on stresses at work is a much better idea than blaming performance difficulties on an end to your ability to engage in sex. Deciding it's okay to have some difficulty now and then getting erect or being "in the zone" with regard to sex is WAY better than deciding it's not okay for this to happen once in awhile.   Consider the use of hypnosis to reduce nagging, self-conscious thoughts during making love, to foster a more relaxed and confident sense of self and to optimize self-esteem, happiness and hopefulness -- if simple logic (above) isn't sufficient to calm down those concerns. Hypnosis is a very cool way to address issues without becoming dependent on something like a medication.   Consider medicine alternatives to increase the likelihood of erection. NOTE: This alternative can in some cases also cause a sense of dependence on the medication which may not in fact be anything more than a placebo effect or a self-fullfilling attitude. This is not to say it is a nightmare to rely on Levitra or something similar, it's just easier if you don't have to be.   Avoid masturbation as this can reduce libido -- unless an underlying contributor to premature ejaculation problems. It is a simple matter to monitor whether masturbation within a month of making love hurts or helps performance.   Reduce your stress levels and accept the fact that stress and anxiety can cause problems with sexual performance. If you can't just do some things to reduce stress (which often are available in certain circumstances and just not utilized), then accept that while you are dealing with those stresses, your sexual relations might be a bit compromised. This is the same for your partner (though many males don't have a clue that it can be and often is -- and never get a clue because women will give in and pretend).   Check out your attitudes, feelings, guilt. If you are angry or resentful of your partner or feeling guilty about behaviors that are in opposition to responsibilities or promises to your partner -- knock off the negative behaviors. It is a very common problem to find that infidelity, for example, can result in performance failure that might seem like performance anxiety -- but which is not performance anxiety. It is your mind's inability to be a cad or be two-faced without disrupting libido function.   If self-help doesn't work, see a counselor. Sex is a very cool, very rewarding part of life if you can be lucky enough to find a partner that you love and care for. If you can't get past something -- if you have tried the self-help stuff and you've checked out medical problems with your MD -- see a psychotherapist/counselor. If you know of a good therapist that works with sexual problems, all the better. Your MD can probably give you ideas about who might be able to help. A visit with any good counselor can help you decide if you need an actual sex therapist or if other psychological issues might be getting in the way.   Read the emails and articles below. Head-Cleaners Hypnosis Tapes/CDs that can help samples   money back guarantee   what to expect   directions for use $30 + $4 s/h tape cassettes   ~   $36 + $4 s/h CDs performance perfected focuses on reducing or eliminating self-conscious, self-confidence-shaking thoughts and on optimizing readiness and reactions. It is designed to help you be "in the zone" during any kind of performance, including sexual. performance 2 focuses on reducing or eliminating self-conscious, self-confidence-shaking thoughts. It is designed to help you be "in the zone" during any kind of performance, including sexual. to be comfortably confident focuses on fostering a sense of increased self-confidence via images and ideas that are woven to gently un-knot fears and stimulate real changes toward a much more positive, practical and realistic attitude of self-confidence without arrogance or silliness. The focus is on real, lasting change. self to self partnering focuses on optimizing one's relationship with one's self when dealing with struggles in life. It fosters optimized handling of frustration and failure experiences, stress, expectations, demands, responsibilities, self-discipline, self-control, self-image, self-confidence and self-esteem. who and how you hope to be focuses on promoting real and lasting changes toward being the person you would like to be – behaviorally, emotionally, physically, spiritually. Focuses on increasing the frequency of certain thoughts, urges or feelings that you want to experience more and focuses on reducing thoughts, urges or feelings that come to mind that are not wanted. healing tree 2 focuses on fostering a sense of resiliency and self-confidence in the face of struggle, stress, worry or fears of inadequacy. nightmares to nice dreams focuses on fostering empowering, powerful, positive dreams in order to foster a more positive feeling and attitude during waking hours. Is intended to foster empowering dreams and/or also for stopping anxious dreams or nightmares and for soothing out anxiousness about sleep and dreaming. (Not just for the problem of nightmares.) allowing one's self to get past it focuses on helping the listener to "get past" thought and issues that might be contributing to performance anxiety and sexual difficulties -- feelings of guilt and other lingering psychological side-effects of a significant hurt, wound, shock, trauma, mishap, loss or upset. Intended to reduce or eliminate intrusive unwanted, unhelpful, unpleasant memories, thoughts or feelings of anxiousness, distress, hurt, loss, guilt or regret that linger on without protective, health- or happiness-promoting value. (Not intended to relieve feelings of anxiousness or unwanted thoughts that actually may be providing a protective, realistic warning.) now to how to soothe out angst focuses on soothing out angst (a persistent, gloomy, anxious feeling) that is basically the opposite of feeling confident.. For establishing a sense of hope and a sense of faith in one's self and one's life -- for establishing a comfortable, comforting sense of self-confidence. who and how you hope to be focuses on decreasing negative thoughts and self-talk while increasing the frequency that positive, helpful thoughts come to mind. relax... relax focuses on general relaxation and a fostering of relaxation skills -- both of which provide physical and emotional relaxation without diminished alertness. a tool to aid with panic and fear focuses on establishing a positive state of mind & the development of a "trigger" -- a word, idea or image -- that, when thought of, triggers physical & emotional changes that calm & soothe the experience, severity, duration & frequency of fears, panic & panic attacks and increase a sense of self confidence in stressful situations. other resources, articles, etc. impotence / ED - always-healthy.com understanding impotence / ED - always-healthy.com articles on Levitra - always-healthy.com articles on Viagra - always-healthy.com an email question: I have sexual performance anxiety. In other words, I "can" by myself, but when it comes to being with a women is a different story. I mean, I know it's all in your head, but I obviously need help.   As an example, last week we were together and I gave her oral sex and I found I had somewhat of an erection, but when I began thinking about what I was doing, I lost the erection. Anyways, when she tried to please me, I could feel my heart beating really fast, and it's funny, I just sat there observed how my body reacted.   Can you please help? and it's answer below: Okay, so what can be done to deal with this problem? Several things to think on and check out and strategize. How much of the why can you figure and fix? Did this just start or has it been for ever or has it been a gradual thing? Have you had a physical and had medical problems ruled out? If it just started, what was happening along the lines of recent stresses, illnesses, changes in diet or medications? Have you had this situation checked out by a physician? Could you be masturbating and expending yourself (might it help to refrain from the one and see if there is a "build-up" for the other)? Could you have too much libido built up and you become overcharged at just the wrong moment (e.g., have you masturbated prior to a date to see if this helped)? Are you on medications that cause sexual problems (i.e., antidepressants, pain medications, blood pressure meds)? Are you constantly munching on stress all the time (if so, might a reduction in stress for a time be the place to be focusing creative thinking)? Are; you having these difficulties because of the partners you pick (e.g., do you worry about STD's, excess entanglements, poor hygene -- or have you had experiences of frights or disturbances during lovemaking)? Do you drink a lot of caffeine drinks, drinks with alcohol? To avoid complicating complications: keep on hand a collection of "public relations statements" When things go poorly in the process of sex, a lot of self-esteem issues, stupid attitudes, anger, confusion, upset and fears can come into play. The big, high intensity question is: "what does this mean?" What does it mean when a partner's arousal suddenly takes a turn to some other, poorly defined place? What explanation is there for this? "Gosh, honey, I'm sorry. I get performance anxiety." "Gosh, honey, I'm sorry. I get performance anxiety because you sort of blow out my circuits." "Gosh, honey, I was really turned on but you turn me off." "Gosh, honey, you suddenly turned me off." Life goes best when you make sure your partner understands your anxiousness is not lack of appreciation for her. Speak to a physician A physician can be a good resource in two ways. First, you can discuss possible problems with medication side-effects, possible physical problems or diet and sleep problems that may be contributing. Second, you can discuss the possibility of Viagra to give your system a bit of a physical boost that might get you past some of the anxiety about past problems. Performance anxiety is lessened by a recent series of successes. Practice creative, alternative love-making techniques The most obvious, difficult problem associated with performance anxiety is the negative consequences to the male erection. But love making does not strictly require an erection. Alternative love making strategies, utilizing fingers and hands, feet, lips and tongue can be very effective in bringing a partner to orgasm. It is not the case that you must get your partner used to sex without erections. Performance anxiety does not need to be more than a temporary problem in any relationship if both parties approach this with patient understanding. Alternative techniques for providing your lover with satisfying orgasms will result in a very patient, supportive partner. There is no need for performance anxiety in the wake of multiple orgasms. Find peace with your problem Ironically, the less you worry about sexual dysfunction, the less you experience dysfunction. This isn't usually the whole problem -- though in some cases it is -- but it certainly can help a great deal. The more you can be patient and accepting with yourself and your difficulty, the less complicated the difficulty will be to deal with. Having faith, for example, that if you have trouble with sustaining an erection, it is a challenge or a cosmic message or something -- or no big deal because you can handle things one way or another -- will limit the impact that dysfunction on one day will have on subsequent days. Hypnosis & hypnosis tapes & CDs Hypnosis can possibly help in a number of ways: 1) it can be used to calm self-consciousness and critical self-talk (e.g., the head-cleaners recording, performance 2); 2) it can be used to promote hopefulness and a calmer sense of faith in one's self (e.g., the head-cleaners recordings now to how to soothe out angst or healing tree 2) and 3) it can be used to promote greater relaxation in general (e.g., relax...relax...). When it goes well, don't panic if there's a reversal A big concern in getting past hurdles in life is how you handle it when things go bad. Things don't always go badly after they've improved, but they do with sufficient frequency to call it normal. When things go well, that means that there is every reason to expect them to go well again and again. But if things go back to bad, it doesn't mean that it is a permanent reversal -- though it can be if you decide it is. Having a positive attitude and an expectation that if you got things going in a good direction once, you can do it again will limit the length of reversals, relapses, set-backs, etc. The best of all possible worlds In the best of all possible scenerios, a guy might take a shotgun approach to such a difficulty -- trying a lot of things at once. Working on the attitude that everyone gets challenges of one sort or another and there's some sort of good Purpose for this one would help. Limiting any sexual activity at all to a very wholesome love relationship that has a future might help. Working on an understanding with the sexual partner that erections are only part of a larger effort to make love in all sorts of ways and that lack or loss of erections is a silly dysfunctional thing that absolutely does not represent true arousal or enjoyment levels will help. Speaking with a physician to check out physical problems and get a prescription for an "aid" will possibly be very helpful. Listening to a hypnosis tape/CD or visiting with a hypnotist to foster better performance with less self-consciousness can help -- as can also getting some help with positive attitude, hopefulness and self-esteem. And then when things go well once, not having an absolute heart attack worrying about the next time will help -- and when things have gone well for awhile, not having an absolute negativity attack if things go badly once or twice will help. A final word: silver linings in clouds and partner qualities A final note about anxiousness during sexual relations: By the time a woman is 18 she has a 25% chance of having been sexually imposed on and by the time she is 30, she has a 30% chance of having been sexually assaulted. Most women with any sense begin to gravitate to somewhat anxious, sensitive guys. Being self-conscious and anxious about performance is not the worst thing to be struggling with as far as most women are concerned. Trying hypnosis and medications and other possible strategies is fine and may indeed work and solve all problems. However, even if nothing else helps, all that a guy needs to really do with any woman with a brain between her ears (e.g., any woman who is not simply out to see how thoroughly she can be "f---ed") is to establish a level of love-making performance that is satisfying to her. At that point there is no further reason for performance anxiety -- as long as the guy himself can just accept that level of sexual performance so he isn't pressuring himself any further -- and any aspects of performance that have been sort of lagging behind will begin to enter into the sexual experience format naturally. I can't say this emphatically enough: this is one of those irony-laden problems that goes away when you and your partner accept dealing with it it and work your life around it. If you're involved with a woman who is pressuring and demanding you perform better and thus making it tough to get past this, keep looking for another gal (or six). They're out there in droves looking for a more anxious kinda guy.

another email question I'm a mid-twenties male. I had an experience years ago with a woman who was "out of my league" absolutely beautiful, and I had performance anxiety. I couldn't perform. Never happened to me ever. I was so ashamed, embarassed and humiliated. On top of this I have OCD, so I tend to ruminate on things like this. This happened years ago and it still effects me to this day. Some times I cant perform because I say to myslef "thats gonna happen again" -- a self-sulfilling prophecy of sorts. I'm so depressed and angry. I need help. Which disc do you think will help me and can you recommend and text or book? answer I don't have any recommendations as to books but you might look through the articles on my site. It sounds like your experience with the woman that you say was out of your "league" was an experience in mismatching, misinterpretation and self-fulfilling prophesy. A very common tale. You mismatched with a woman and couldn't perform "studly duties" and decided that rather than it being a simple situation of mismatching, it was some sort of inadequacy on your part. This is a very unkind thing to do to yourself -- adopting this interpretation of events -- though it is how many, if not most, guys react. In actuality, all that has happened is that you have discovered that you can't be some sort of performance penis. You may have to face never make a living in the porn industry. At least not as a star. And you may not be a hit with the women you might pick up in a bar any Saturday night. You may be forced to be sensitive and anxious and you may even find yourself thinking of alternative ways to make your lovers feel loved the first night or first several. You may find that you will only be attractive to sweet women who want real and rewarding relationships tethered to their sex lives. Or, with a little hard work you can work through this and work on being the performance penis that many guys like to dream of being -- having dozens or hundreds of women and risking their health and their happiness for the sake of sexual intensities. But I don't recommend it. Having a James Bond sex life is simply unrealistic in this day and age. Everything has two sides (at least). Being anxious is not the worst thing in the world. [Being OCD to some extent is a two-edged sword, too. Nobody very successful isn't OCD. It's the stuff that success is almost always made of. But it also messes with the level of happiness when turned toward things that don't make a lot of sense consciously, like sexuality or relationships. If you find it getting in your way in major ways, there are good meds that can keep it at bay. Most of them, though, mess with one's libido.] The side of the situation with that girl that was out of your "league" that you looked at was that you couldn't perform. Another side was that you guys were mismatched and your head could not get on the same wavelength with hers. If you had been more of a stud you might have had much more of a nightmare now than being anxious that you might not perform sexually. Becoming a love machine is probably just a matter of working on insensitivity. However, if you want to work on being a better lover to someone you love, I would suggest that you trust in love and your body and brain. A level-headed, practical, supportive woman that is attracted to the idea of a real relationship with you 1) will be happy to help you relax with lovemaking, 2) will see it as sweet that you have performance anxiety (especially if you make her feel like it is her beauty and sexuality that is overloading you), and 3) will fall in love with you if you make love to her -- just focusing on making love to her -- focusing on making her feel loved, desired and worshipped, using your mouth and your fingers, your moans and your breathing. If you decide you're going to be okay without an erection and your erection will come along in its own good time and you will find you do fine. This performance anxiety thing gets a lot of guys but you don't see the population numbers hurting from it. Ultimately just time and probability will sooner or later have you in a situation where you will find yourself surprising yourself with performance. Hypnosis recordings -wise,. you can help nature, time and probability with the recording focused on performance anxiety (performance 2), which focuses on helping natural stuff happen without thoughts getting in the way. You can also probably benefit from self to self partnering, which focuses on having an optimal attitude toward yourself in dealing with challenges. Healing tree 2 focuses on establishing an attitude of resiliency in facing challenges in life. Who and how you hope to be focuses on reducing negative thinking and increasing positive thinking. To be comfortably confident focuses on increasing a general sense of realistic self-confidence. Nightmares to nice dreams focuses on increasing positive attitude. For what you say, you probably don't actually NEED any of them and certainly you shouldn't need all of them. Just the first one might do. You can use your own judgment (use the Force, Luke) to decide which other ones you might want to try. If you don't find yourself feeling more hopeful after listening to one one or two times, just return it/them. Again, though, the situation only seems threatening and disheartening. The best catches are the women who have discovered that an anxious guy is way more likely to be sensitive to their needs and discomforts. Sexuality being more complicated actually makes it much more likely to work. A guy with some anxiousness about performance tends to think more, tends to appreciate a girl who is sensitive and supportive more, and tends to be less likely to stray. We guys are generally total idiots with respect to relationships. Being anxious isn't all bad. This is the real fix, the real cure -- realizing it is okay to have been anxious and finding a way to have faith in yourself, your body's wiring and life, and maintaining a little anxiousness that if you aren't careful, you will not perform for your lover as optimally as you otherwise might. If you can't get your head there, try my hypnosis recordings. If that doesn't do it, then ask around for a recommendation about a good counselor and go spend two or three hours having him or her discuss where you get stuck. If you don't believe me, ask a woman you trust. Show her this email and ask her for her reaction. Good luck. Dr. J

another email Q: If the performance 2 CD works for me, will I need to use it forever? A: You should need only listen to it once or twice -- or to be certain, maybe three times over a period of three or so days before you want to test it out. When you have had a success or two without anxiety, you shouldn't need it except for future situations where you want to calm yourself down about self doubts. Performance anxiety usually happens because you start thinking, "Oh my, what if I fail?" You have to ask yourself how often you have to be successful to stop worrying about things like that. And, when you do have that thought cross your mind, remember to remember that life is full of glitches and goofs and you generally carry on fine afterward without performance anxiety. We males get ourselves so worked up about sexual performance -- and it is actually just a worry about being erect. Most women -- other than "business ladies" -- want to be made loved to more than they want to be "shafted," "speared," "pistoned" or pounded by penis. Use the CD and use this advice: when one system fails, remember that it is her arousal and pleasure that a gentleman with wisdom should be attending to, and not his own. Take care of your woman's arousal and she will take care of yours. Take care of your own and you will quickly be all alone taking care of your own. You have all sorts of body parts (i.e., fingers, palms, lips, tongue) to use and she has all sorts of places of arousal starting at her earlobes and working down to that area between ankles and heels that you can target. All sorts of things can get in the way of a man's erection -- drug side effects, alcohol, stress, lack of sleep, distracting thoughts. Performance anxiety happens when you stress yourself out with a crisis of faith. The human race is like a virus on the planet. All things in life -- penises included -- fail to function as expected now and then. We wouldn't double in population every few decades if our penises didn't generally function, in the long run, overall, very consistently.   - Dr. Johnson

another email Q: I have recently started a new relationship with a fabulous, attractive girl. We have had sex about 8 times, but every time I worried about getting hard (just nerves about someone new) but got it up enough to get inside her and then I had no problems. Recently, I failed on two occasions and then it got worse. We only see each other on weekends and the last two weekends I could not even get a halfie. That is all I have been thinking about lately and it is killing me. This girl really means a lot to me, and now I feel I may lose her if I dont perform. In a way, I feel one positive out of this; If this is the girl, this would not end our relationship. But, the negatives tend to stay in my head. My previous girlfriend and I had the same difficulty at first, but got through it, and then it never happened again (we looked back and laughed at it). Now, it is like I have no sex drive, because I fear the worst happening. I have not even got an erection since our last good encounter, except druing sleep. I know it is all in my head and I think she knows that as well. Sometimes, she thinks she is the problem, which I know is not the case. She even gave me oral sex and I somewhat got it up, but it did not feel like a normal, all out erection, but I still reached orgasm. What are some ways I or we can deal with this, get over it, any help at all would be greatly appreciated. This is seeming to lessen my worries about it just writing this to someone. Thank you A: It's normal to have such things happen sometimes but there are some things that can make things more likely to work and more likely to not. First off, your explanation to your girlfriend is obviously going to be important. You obviously care a lot about her so your best explanation to her will be that this is happening because she is so important to you, so fine, so pretty, so perfect for you, that ironically you can't seem to make it unimportant enough to relax and let things happen. You are so nervous about failing that your physiology is affected. Second, have some faith in yourself and have some faith in life, luck and the hope of a higher power. The best you can do is the best you can do and what will be will be. Don't be telling yourself that if this can't work out it is a major loss -- because it isn't. If there is no purpose to life then ultimately you and all your experiences get erased. If there is, then have some faith that what will happen is part of a plan and you have to be a good soldier and just follow orders. Third, you can visit your doctor and get a little help if you want -- viagra, cialis, etc. -- and maybe have him go over you for any physical causes. All you probably need to do is get over the hump (so to speak) of being successful a few times and you won't need the pills. Fourth, if you are mixing alcohol and sex, cut out the alcohol. Some medications can also do this -- antidepressants and several others. if you're taking medications of any sort, ask your doctor or pharmacist if they can cause trouble in getting an erection or in being comfortable or confident. Pharmacists often are willing to explain medication effects without face to face contact if you are embarassed to ask. You can also find out a great deal online. Fifth, a wise man focuses on his lady's pleasure and doesn't get hung up about having a hard penis unless she is -- and if she is, that may be part of the problem. The fact is, most women have better experiences with a guy when he can't get hard and focuses on her orally and with fingers. This is better for women than when he uses his penis because orgasm for guys is like a sudden bucket of cold water hitting them which is a major love interruption for women. In case you don't know, women like lovemaking to go hours and hours with a gently, gradual, gradual slow down -- which is something they don't get when a guy has an orgasm and flops to their side and falls dead asleep. Having performance anxiety that interupts penile functioning can actually result in that penis's owner being a much better lover than he would be if his penis was performing per potential and preference. Get your mindset adjusted so that a) her arousal and lust is the primary target and b) no penis penitration will be involved. Further, you will actually be likely to find yourself a) appreciated and bragged about (much more relationship security there) and b) unexpectedly encumbered after lovemaking with an unrelenting erection. (Always expect Murphy's Law to thread into things. The more you want an erection, the less likely you will have one. The more you focus on making love without one, the more likely you will have one to deal with.) Sixth, if your lady is unable to be patient or understanding, then perhaps she was not the perfect match you thought she was. There is no logical, easy-to-articulate explanation for why sex does what it does to us, but you can find yourself head over heels about someone -- and THINK that she is the absolute, absolute, absolutely most perfect person for you for the rest of your life -- but then find that after a few months being together you can't stand her another minute. Intelligent men can find themselves drooling or falling over office furnature, promising things that they want to duck out on, breaking promises, lying, cheating, making fools of themselves -- you name it. It means very little that a woman feels right after just a few weeks. If she feels right after three or four years, however, then maybe you have something. Seventh, and somewhat along the same lines as the sixth, if you can't let yourself relax enough to make love, then maybe YOU are missing something consciously that you are unconsciously aware of and anxious about. It is quite common for a person to lie to him or herself if sex is invovled and conditions and situations are such that it is more likely that sex will be more involved if some adjustments to reality are made "real." In this case, what was thought of as performance anxiety is really unconscious fears or conflict. It is possible to unconsciously recognize that a woman is not actually as perfect as you would like to believe -- and it is possible that this would cause difficulty achieving erection. And lastly, you might try my performance 2 hypnosis recording which you listen to once or twice in the day or days before making love. It focuses on tuning out thinking and letting nature take its course -- sort of getting the listener "in the zone." It's worth a try, has a money-back guarantee and is a cool relaxation recording to keep on hand for nights when you have trouble sleeping -- or for other performance problems that might come up in the future. Also, if other things are bothering you and intruding, other tapes and CDs I offer can help you not be worried about these things.   - Dr. Johnson

another email Dear Dr. J I am a 20 year old college student who has never had sex before. In fact my first sexual experience wasn't until my second semester of my freshman year of college. I was 18 when the girl I was dating at the time tried to please me and I couldn't achieve erection. We tried a couple more occasions after that but I ever achieved erection and finally I broke up with her (partly because i was so embarrassed of it) . I NEVER have any problems masturbating -- but only when I'm intimate with a girl. Ever since then i still get nervous when I "hook up" with someone, I can always achieve erection in the process of fooling around, but I always lose it or fail to maintain one if the situation ever comes down to sex comes down to sex or oral sex. . After reading some of your and other internet articles, i know now some of the reasons I have this problem -- alcohol, nervousness and stress. But even though alcohol MAY have been a factor, I still get frustrated about and think and worry about it way too much. I dont get many opportunities to have sex, so I don’t really have anyone to "practice" on. And I want to know if it is a nervous thing or a physical thing. I think it would be beneficial if I saw a sex therapist but I'm not sure on how to find one. Also, unlike most other problems people have, I've NEVER known any of my friends to have had this problem (or at least are willing to tell about it) so I also would like to know HOW prevalent this problem is among men. Or if this is common "losing my virginity" problem among men, especially at this late an age. Thank you for time and your articles have been helpful answer Twenty years old and never having had sex, you feel on the outside looking in on something that it seems your friends have no problem achieving -- casual sex. And of course, all the tv and movies tell you you're missing out to the max. And you are probably correct in recognizing that even though none of your friends admit to any such difficulties, many have had at least a bit of this kind of difficulty or will some day. It's very common to happen some time in a guy's life. It a sort of extra-especially troublesome to happen to a young man just at the moment of losing his virginity. But there is a wide range of what is "normal" and I don't that your difficulty is so uncommon that it wouldn't fit into a generally normal category. It is easy to feel very anxious about what this might mean but it's probably not nearly as bad as it seems. Some of this problem is probably due to just a little glitch or two in your mind or your memory or your physical make-up. These can be dealt with fairly easily with time and thinking, and possibly counseling and possibly meds for a few months. Other parts can be dealt with but perhaps should not be. Some part of this is probably related to individual differences that that make you different from others but not any worse off. It's a challenge to be different and to miss out on some of the things others enjoy. But this is not a situation that means you cannot have a sexual relationship that works wonderfully well. It doesn't even mean that it will be harder to find a good, sexually rich, long-term relationship with a woman that you adore and find to be the sexiest woman anywhere on the earth. It only means you will probably have fewer sexual relationships -- or at least fewer erections -- along the way before you find that perfect partner. It probably only means you won't have as many war stories, war wounds and war scars to share with your buddies when kicking back at the bar. It also probably means you won't have as many opportunities to discover the wonderful stresses of AIDS or other STDs, angry women, crazies or other such crap -- that come with the ability and tendency to use an easily hard, often ready to rock, penis that erects without any discretion. First off, it is most likely that you were just so nervous about your first experience that you had trouble with achieving your erection. That's the most likely cause of all this. Then you were so nervous about that happening the first time and your girlfriend was probably also nervous ("Oh, no! I'm not a turn on for him!!") that between the two of you you didn't have enough understanding of how sex works and you both were very nervous the second time ("Oh, my God! It happened again! It's happened EVERY time!") and that made you very nervous the third time and thus the third time, too! This is simply bad luck and it happens to a lot of guys -- if not most -- at one time or another in their life, though I don't have a statistic off hand. [It happened to me with a girl I met a couple of years after my first time -- which was better luck in my case than you had. The girl was really pretty but very anxious and she was so hot that I felt inadequate and had some trouble -- which she interpretted as some sort of problem at least between us and she got very angry. It was awhile before I could even try again and even then I really needed to be with someone I really was connected to emotionally and even then it took some time -- some nights together -- before things got working right.] Sexuality is just a very sensitive area of life -- and a little anxiety can do a lot! All you know is that you had a different experience from your friends and now have a different experience in getting an erection. This just means they can be much less discriminating in who they have sex with. But being different, though it has its drawbacks, isn't the same as damaged, defective, diseased, disabled or destroyed. It just means you have different challenges. In the long run the numbers of pros and the numbers of cons is likely to add up to the same as your friends'. And, this is for sure -- you can bet if any of your friends had been a bit nervous their first time and had had a problem big enough to be a bit nervous their second time, they would feel like it was a big problem when they tried to get an erection with a girl the third time -- just like you did -- and they would be feeling just exactly like you do. They just had a bit more luck -- or, looking at it another way, you just had a bit more good luck. You've already figured out that it has something to do with the difference between masturbating versus being with a girl. You have no problems with achieving and maintaining an erection when masturbating but you do when with a girl you'd like to be intimate with. This leaves only a few possibilities and it is most likely that it all boils down to a combination of some degree of any of the following: a) your brain is a bit more anxious than average (due to your genetics and physical make up), and/or b) your mind is a bit more anxious than average (due to past tough experiences, due to concerns about emotional or physical intimacy with a girl -- or simply because you have been anxious once, so you get anxious about becoming anxious again, which is called a self-fullfilling fear or self-fulfilling prophesy), and/or c) your values and sensitivities are a less comfortable fit with the more common macho, male-chauvinist, womanizing attitudes about sexuality, women and relationships and female body parts, and/or d) your life, vis a vis "somebody up there," is intended to be more refined vis a vis sexuality. There are individual differences everywhere you look in life. Some people are taller, some people short. Some have very high IQs, some very low. Some can enjoy anchovies, some can't. Some want to be models but haven't the looks or the height. Some people who want to be surgeons but can't stand the blood, need to find a new direction to go. A person who wants to be an accountant but who cannot keep numbers in mind, should probably look into other carreers. Your problem is a problem only to the extent that you want to be different than you are. You can quite possibly change who and how you tend to be if you want to really work on it, but I would recommend you think hard and long about whether you really want to make much of a change. Pretty much no matter what you get handed in life, you can find there are several pros and several cons. Though the grass often seems much greener on the other side of the fence, it is often the case that when you get there, it looks greener back where you were. The trick is to work on irrational fears and make sure you don't try to "fix" what is really not broken. a) If a part of this problem is related to your physical make-up (your brain) tends to make you a bit more anxious in general than you need to be, can often fix such a problem by simply working on your attitude, using self help books and aids like hypnosis recordings, counseling or medications available through your general practice medical doctor or a psychiatrist. Physical problems can also be related to an interaction between alcohol or some medication or even overwork or stress. When the brain is over-taxed by exhaustion, chemistry or stress, it cannot do the work it needs to do to organize an erection. In this kind of situation, of course, it is a matter of reducing the exhaustion, the alcohol, the stress or whatever so that you can function more appropriately in sex. b) If a part of this problem is related to your experience or your expectations and attitudes -- that is, if you have had experiences that make you anxious about relationships and intimacy, then you have to decide which parts of these fears, expectations and/or attitudes are helpful to you and which are not. Though pretty much all fears and anxiousness are uncomfortable, many are very helpful and protective. Finding out, for example, that there is a higher likelihood of catching STDs from partners that tend to make themselves sexually available without much of a relationship or history, and then finding that you are too anxious to have an erection when you have a chance to have sex with a woman who you don't really know -- is finding out that your brain is working right. Having your brain deny you sex for your own good is for your own good (duh) though it never ceases to amaze me how many intelligent people don't seem to get that. It is not the end of the world to be a guy that has it in his head that it is dangerous to be casual about who you put your penis into. It is dangerous. Saying that you wish you were able to screw around a lot is like saying you wish you weren't so nervous about trying to surf on top of a speeding car because your friends seem to have so much fun doing it. If a part of this difficulty is due to you wanting to sleep with girls that you really know are not good candidates for anything beyond a night or two of passion and a higher likelihood of STDs, you should get real about what you are doing. A sex therapist can probably help if your difficulties are very unusual or tenacious, but this is a pretty common situation and finding such a specialist isn't likely necessary. If you want to find one, start by asking your physician for a referral. c) If a part of your problem is that your values and attitudes about intimacy dictate a certain hesitancy to be involved sexually with a girl before having a very sound bond between you, then you are going to have to take a long hard look at where the discrepency is and either change your values or change your expectations of yourself. Values are often overlooked in this modern world but they can be quite engrained and they are usually there because they are meaningful. If they are irrational and silly then we aren't talking about a values issue, we're talking about an irrationality issue (as in #b above). But if deep down you really want to conform to a certain set of values and hadn't actually recognized that they were conflicting, then your brain is working properly and you need to notice what you are expecting of yourself. In your case, you said you believed alcohol might have played a part in your first difficulty. If you felt you were so nervous that you had to be drunk to have sex, you were trying to overpower your own brain's warning mechanisms. Alcohol is a very heavy-handed way to resolve conflict in your mind. That kind of conflict might mean you were feeling like you needed to push your own values out of your mind in order to get studly. That is a very unhealthy practice. If you need to dumb up to have sex, you are probably trying to have sex with the wrong girl in the wrong situation. d) So, what if your problem has to do with Higher Powers and Purpose and such? Now, I don't have any direct line that I am aware of to God or cosmic forces of any kind, so please accept comments in the area from a purely practical perspective. I have found, personally, that trying to make things happen the way I want them to happen results in either success or failure. And, when I fail, I find it is much more helpful to assume that some higher power wants me to fail. That doesn't mean I can't learn from mistakes that caused the failure -- it just means that assuming divine intervention is easier on the mind and emotions than assuming there are no Higher Powers and assuming that mistakes are just the crap of life. Basically, there is very little proof that there is a Higher Power and very little proof there is not. But it feels better to assume there is and nobody could ever find out there is no afterlife and feel remorse for wasting time thinking there was. Working on finding the right girl for you with the attitude that someone "up there" is making sure you fail at achieving an erection until the right one comes along can make this a much less frustrating challenge. What you can do and expect, I think, is work on making sure you aren't full of irrational fears and anxiousness. Then you can work on finding the right woman for a long term relationship. You basically need to just find a woman that makes you feel as comfortable, sexually, as you are when masturbating. This means you probably have to wait on trying a sexual relationship until you find a potential sex partner in the context of a relationship where you feel very close, bonded, emotionally secure, etc., and where you feel you basically have a basis for a very good, long-lasting relationship. You will have to tell potential partners that you cannot simply hop into bed without really knowing your partner very well. Not wanting to get your penis into a woman as quickly as possible will be seen by the right woman as an endearing quality. And when you finally become comfortable enough to sleep with a woman, you will probably do well to tell her right up front that you are very anxious about your performance and will need her to be very patient. This basically screens out the women who are more interested in a filling relationship than a fulfilling relationship. The kind of woman you will need to find is one that can be sensitive and patient -- who wants a relationship with all of you more than a relationship primarily with your penis. You can probably best plan to make love to a woman without your penis for the first two or three times. ( If you didn't know you could make love to a woman without your penis, we should add the problem of being very unfamiliar with sexuality techniques and issues to your problems list.) If you go into a sexual relationship not expecting to be able to perform with a rigid penis until things are just right -- with a girl you feel very good about, safe, secure, patient and loving who expects you to have trouble getting an erection -- if you become comfortable making love to her with a focus on her pleasure, you will find you can be surprisingly successful in achieving an erection -- and you will find yourself becoming hard and being inside her with a naturalness and rightness that will astonish you. With respect to the CDs I offer -- most of which are intended to deal with one form of anxiety or another, there are a few that might help you. If you find yourself getting to the point of maybe being in the position to try to be sexual -- if you are in a really very good relationship that promises to be the right one -- performance 2 is designed to help eliminate self-monitoring and fearful self-talk, and to be comfortably confident focuses on being more self-confident. In the mean time, if you want help with anxiousness and stress about dealing with this hassle, healing tree 2 focuses on sustaining faith in yourself during hard struggles. If this has come from some event or difficulty that you believe is at the bottom of your difficulty with intimacy or girls, allowing one's self to get past it focuses on getting past things without so much remorse and guilt. If you are having trouble being patient with yourself about all this -- feeling negative and angry about you, then self to self partnering can help optimize your attitude. The part of this that is probably going to be the greatest part of the struggle is not getting yourself so anxious about performing sexually that when all other issues are resolved, your fear about not performing results in your not performing. If you do find yourself in a great relationship with a patient, caring, supportive girl and IF you can't seem to get past this, you should assume that you just have a small barrier in your expectation of failure. All you would need to get past this is one success. Hypnosis or hypnosis recordings, a counseling session, a viagra pill, an anti-anxiety med -- anything that would get you one successful experience -- will probably tear down your expectation of failure and get you to smooth sailing from then on. (Watch out for anti-depressants, though, that reduce sexual functioning.) So basically, I guess it boils down to doing what you can to find a great relationship, don't freak yourself out with expectations of failure and let nature take its course. And if you have a block, it should be easy and quick to fix. This is only a big problem if you had your hopes up that you would be a great cocksman some day -- having great sex with a different babe every day or so and dying on an AIDS ward. Keep in mind that at a time when sex can be lethal, Jim, it is not a terrible disadvantage that you are forced to take a careful look at issues regarding your sexual attitudes, practices and hopes and it is certainly not a problem if your penis requires a great deal of comfort and safety in a solid relationship to work well. Don't be telling yourself that you're deficient or defective because your sexual comfort zone is complicated and limiting to solid relationships. Tell yourself that the cosmos wants to make sure you don't get sidetracked or bogged down -- or down right killed -- by some half-baked relationship with a floozy.  -- And don't assume your buddies are so lucky. Questions? Comments? Dr. J

TAKE NOTE: In self-helping it's important to tell helpful from hurt. It's important to give yourself permission to consult a professional if you need one. Just as its important to get to a doctor if you're severely injured, and in borderline cases of injury it's better to waste the time it takes to go see a doctor than risk that you should have -- and just as one should not goof around with bandaids when an artery is gushing -- it's important to consult a psychologist, psychiatrist or other counselor or physician -type professional if you believe you might, in fact, need one. Better safe and not sorry -- a stitch in time saves nine. If it turns out its a false alarm, the professional will tell you. You might take a look at the comments on finding a therapist for some tips.

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